"The secret of
initiation remains inviolable by its very nature; it cannot be betrayed because
it cannot be expressed." Andrew Feldmar
During
the period of my circumcision, I retreated to Inwardness so deep and
frightening that it made a permanent mark on my nerves and changed my life
forever. I listened to the teachings of the school of circumcision, I thought –
I despaired. I accepted the teachings with an open heart so far as they
recognized and acknowledged every man's aloneness. Much of man's Inward
experiences are inexpressible. Language as a symbol for interpersonal
communication is not fully capable of representing
the Individual Soul or the Self to itself and to others. To think about
oneself therefore, is only to know a fraction of oneself. For, thinking is
the use of language in the organization of mental contents. Our thoughts are
predominantly constructed from language. The insights that come to us from
beyond the use of language are not thoughts, they are Intuitions.
None
of the teachers at the school were aware of this inadequacy. Each of them thought
about him-Self, they spoke to each other about themselves and none of them
felt that he was under-representing him-Self. I despaired over this, and
oftentimes I went aside and wandered the abysses and summits of the mountains.
For
me, the circumcision involved the recognition that Umdalidiphu (The
Creator of the Deep) does not see crowds; he only sees the Individual. I had to
get circumcised as an Individual; no one could get circumcised on my behalf.
The
circumcision means the sacrifice of the foreskin and the emergence of every
man's Uniqueness. After the sacrifice of the foreskin, a new and original
Individuality will emerge. It will not be like anyone else, but will have its
own difference, its own special entity, its own character and its own special
power. Umdalidiphu does not create all plants of exactly the same size,
beauty and strength. There are stupid people, wise people and those whose heads
have opened to the power to read thoughts and see that which is invisible to
most people. The sacrifice reveals this new person hidden in the boy.
I
wandered from school to school, from village to village, looking for a teacher
who could teach me more Self and more Self-Expression. My Intuition told me to
look for a teacher who can dance; "the teacher who can dance experiences
more of him-Self than the thinker or the lukewarm speaker. Consequently, he
will teach you the remotest and most hidden parts of your-Self". I
followed my Intuition and went from teacher to teacher, greeting them with
offerings of tobacco and brandy, bidding them to teach me to dance before Umdalidiphu.
That is, to teach me complete Self-Expression.
I
discovered that they weighed the value of your Manhood according to the amount
of Self you sacrifice and how socially acceptable you are. I am not against
being socially acceptable, I just think that we should give more respect to the
Man who has the courage to be him-Self. A Man should not sacrifice himself for
outward moralities, he should express him-Self to the fullest, because outward
moralities are born from his Self-Expression.
