Reflections

by Phumzile Kepe

In front of the mirror,

Reflections of my bitter upbringing

rising like vapour, invading my mind

covering it with a blanket of dark clouds,

which invokes inner anger.

I find my lips flooding with tears,

Meditation of those dreadful years.

I hold myself as much as I can,

For it ain’t easy being a man.

Xhosa men are taught never to cry,

So I pretend to be strong,

Although that seems wrong…

In your eyes of-course, But hold on…

Tupac once asked,

“who do you know, that stops that long

To help another carry on?”

I guess nobody but GOD.

I am a living witness of his existence,

My presence is indeed a testimony of his greatness.

People will make fun of your weakness,

Use it to send you into the valleys of darkness.

Family-members will hire you a hearse,

Even quote you a verse

While you still have full functionality of your legs

And not yet breathless.

Don’t give credence to the nonsense,

They whisper in your ears,

That you’ll never go far in life because you are an arse.

They drain the confidence in you to make you hopeless,

Fill your mind with nonsense because they fear your intelligence.

Take it from me friends,

My mother has sistrens and brethrens.

Same blood in their veins,

But they only get together for traditions

And never random visits.

Blood is thicker than water they say,

But in searching for answers

I found myself stumbling on the way.

I trust nobody but GOD

BUT I never FAIL to LOVE.

Creation Rebel

by The Outsider

"The secret of initiation remains inviolable by its very nature; it cannot be betrayed because it cannot be expressed." Andrew Feldmar

During the period of my circumcision, I retreated to Inwardness so deep and frightening that it made a permanent mark on my nerves and changed my life forever. I listened to the teachings of the school of circumcision, I thought – I despaired. I accepted the teachings with an open heart so far as they recognized and acknowledged every man's aloneness. Much of man's Inward experiences are inexpressible. Language as a symbol for interpersonal communication is not fully capable of representing the Individual Soul or the Self to itself and to others. To think about oneself therefore, is only to know a fraction of oneself. For, thinking is the use of language in the organization of mental contents. Our thoughts are predominantly constructed from language. The insights that come to us from beyond the use of language are not thoughts, they are Intuitions.

None of the teachers at the school were aware of this inadequacy. Each of them thought about him-Self, they spoke to each other about themselves and none of them felt that he was under-representing him-Self. I despaired over this, and oftentimes I went aside and wandered the abysses and summits of the mountains.

For me, the circumcision involved the recognition that Umdalidiphu (The Creator of the Deep) does not see crowds; he only sees the Individual. I had to get circumcised as an Individual; no one could get circumcised on my behalf.

The circumcision means the sacrifice of the foreskin and the emergence of every man's Uniqueness. After the sacrifice of the foreskin, a new and original Individuality will emerge. It will not be like anyone else, but will have its own difference, its own special entity, its own character and its own special power. Umdalidiphu does not create all plants of exactly the same size, beauty and strength. There are stupid people, wise people and those whose heads have opened to the power to read thoughts and see that which is invisible to most people. The sacrifice reveals this new person hidden in the boy.

I wandered from school to school, from village to village, looking for a teacher who could teach me more Self and more Self-Expression. My Intuition told me to look for a teacher who can dance; "the teacher who can dance experiences more of him-Self than the thinker or the lukewarm speaker. Consequently, he will teach you the remotest and most hidden parts of your-Self". I followed my Intuition and went from teacher to teacher, greeting them with offerings of tobacco and brandy, bidding them to teach me to dance before Umdalidiphu. That is, to teach me complete Self-Expression.

I discovered that they weighed the value of your Manhood according to the amount of Self you sacrifice and how socially acceptable you are. I am not against being socially acceptable, I just think that we should give more respect to the Man who has the courage to be him-Self. A Man should not sacrifice himself for outward moralities, he should express him-Self to the fullest, because outward moralities are born from his Self-Expression.

Reflections on The Rite of Circumsision

by The Outsider

I have been listening to the news this morning; I hear that the number of youths who have died during their Initiation rituals has risen to thirty three. I was shocked to learn that the death toll is approaching that of the Marikana Massacre.

My Brothers, I have terrible forebodings with regard to this Sacred Initiation Rite; may The Creator forbid that it should be outlawed like the mystery religions of ancient Greece, when the state adopted Christianity as the official religion.

But the way things are going, that may not be an impossible outcome in a few years to come. I believe that we will suffer great psychic epidemics when that happens (in fact the suffering has already commenced; the increase in sex crimes and the upsurge in "Satanism" are some of the first clues), because we would be legislating against an essential structure of our psyche.

This ritual is an ancient practice; it is part of the very structure of our minds. We have evolved it from psychological necessity, as the body evolves methods of Healing itself. When a race of people develops a particular Myth, you can be sure that the Myth will feed the most essential hungers of their collective psyche.

If you are a subtle observer however, you will perceive that these hungers are not being fed today, or they are being fed badly, because the suffering has already commenced. To me it seems that the ritual has become a shell; everyone goes through the motions but the Myth is no more internalised. The ritual has become a communal spectacle in which the participants are rational people who have ceased to believe in Myth. I believe that this is part of the reason why we suffer from this collective psychosis today; "the wrath of the Ancestors" if you will.

Although our current reality is as it is, we should not "throw away the baby with the bath water". We need to revive this ritual, not on the level of Custom but on the level of Philosophy. Old men will never let us engage philosophically with this ritual; they are obstinately dogmatic.

My Brothers, I dare say we must look beyond the forms of things, that we may perceive the essential in them. Let Each Man ask him-Self; what are the Psycho-Philosophical needs that have necessitated to evolution of this form of Initiation?

I know that I will be condemned by my people for my public Reflections on this topic, and I will be condemned by some westerners for being too backward. But I am motivated by Compassion. Thirty three have already dead, and it's not even June yet.

I am convinced that we need brave Men to philosophise anew with regard to this ritual; otherwise we will lose it altogether. 

10. The Seeker After Rebirth

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider 

by Monde Mdodana

In Solitude, at length I meditated on the Vision. I saw Somagwaza in conflict with his weaker nature; I saw him trying to liberate him-Self from the tyranny of the instincts. I saw his weaker nature desiring the warmth and oblivion of Woman, that part of him that wants to return to bliss through the Womb door. Associated with these desires is guilt, because it is not the Destiny of Man to return to the Womb. He is like the Initiate who must not look back when his Womb of Rebirth Burns to Ashes; he must run forward into the Future!

His Higher Self would have him inwardly commit matricide and look to The Sun for The Way that he must travel. The guilt can only be resolved when he ceases to dedicate him-Self to the worship of Woman. In order for him to Become whole and in order for the Man in him to be Born, he must not chase after any Woman's Womb, instead he must bring about his own Psychic Rebirth. This is the Paradox of Somawaza, The Seeker After Rebirth; he is pregnant, and must Become Mother, Midwife and Child. He is The First-Born of Creation. If he persists through the Fire, a precious Stone will emerge from the furnace.

9. Sacrament of The High or Stoner Stuff

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider

by Monde Mdodana

Them and them can't globalize it,

Can't commercialize or tax it so they won't legalize it.

Health Gurus and tobacco merchants polemicize,

But we let 'em be 'cause we're too High to criticize.

Them and them live a low life; they need to navigate The High.

We choose The High 'cause low lives are hypocritical;

Declare a war on drugs but them and them regulars at the pharmaceutical.

They need to navigate The High.

Haters of the unbound they are; they interfere when we meditate.

But, unfathomable, we inhale and elevate.

High, Higher, and Higher still; to the summit of the Soul.

We ascend, only to descend again;

The smoke in our lungs unites summit and abyss paradoxically.

Them and them live a low life; they need to navigate The High.

We don't flee into the hopes of a better tomorrow;

We are immersed in the smoky eternity of here and now!

They commune around the market place and buy, buy, buy!

We commune around the Herb and become One through The Sacrament of The High.

8. Anti-dogma

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider

by Monde Mdodana

The Outsider has his truth, but his truth is different from the truth of the people or the truth of academic philosophers. The truth of the people is - or it pretends to be - necessary, dogmatic, absolute truth. The Way of The Outsider is not absolute truth, but it is nonetheless essential, primal truth. Absolute truth is true for everyone; regardless of whether or not a particular Individual worked to discover it, regardless of whether or not he believes it or believes in it.

But The Way of The Outsider is a reversal of this dogmatism; it is essential, Existential truth, but it is not true for the particular Outsider if he does not discover it for him-Self. The particular Outsider has to work to discover The Way. That is, he has to have Faith in its Existence.

7. The Way of Paradox

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider

by Monde Mdodana

The Way of The Outsider is a Way of Paradox. Our Hero must learn that even psychic regression can run to its opposite; it can be transformed into a Leap of Faith.

The tendency to keep looking backward is like being sucked back into the Waters of The Mother, where the Soul drifts in endless waves of despair. Here our Hero is at a standstill; he suffers from a paralysis of his Positive Creativity.

We can put the problem in other words and say that his Manhood suffers from an injury. For, Man wants to be just like his Creator; he wants to act to Create or assist in the Creation of something that ensures that life is furthered into the distant future. That is why they say Man is Created in the likeness and image his Creator.

Thus when he neglects to look into the distant future, when he does not act in the present to prepare a way for his Unborn Child, we are justified in asserting that his Manhood has suffered an injury.

The escape from this state of paralysis is a Journey of a thousand miles, but it is also one irrational Leap into an ocean of unknowable depths. Here our Hero has to let go of fear and disbelief; he has to let go of all his Pain.

If he does not panic and spend his energy when the tides draw him to the bosom of the Sea, if only he possesses enough Courage to let go, then the very same tides will carry him back to dry land as they return with the wind.

The Paradox of the Creator is that he Creates something out of nothing. If he Believes, our Hero can also achieve the impossible; he can "Leap" out of the Dark Waters of despair.  

6. The seduction of Somagwaza

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider

by Monde Mdodana

I see Somagwaza walking alone, with the blazing Sun overhead. It was not long before he came across a river, which he had to cross in order to get to his Destination. The Water was calm; there was no turbulence. He was halfway through, when suddenly a soft wind blew and he felt something in the Water tie his legs together, so that he lost his balance. He did not sink however, but merely floated above the Water, and fell into a dream: there she was, sitting on a protruding rock in the middle of the river. She was looking away from him. She glanced over her shoulder, called his name, then looked away again. But he saw her; that brief moment was enough for him to take into his soul all the perfection of her beauty. He wanted to posses her, but he could not move his limbs. No matter how great an effort he put into it, he remained magically tied to the spot. She slid off the rock and turned to face him. Her breasts were round and firm; he could not look away from them. She spoke to him; I am Mamlambo, these Waters are my domain. He was mesmerised, expectant and terrified. "I know who you are, and why you are here", she said.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, you are here because I called you."

"No, I am here because this is where I must cross, I have to get to the Other Side." She moved closer to him, so that her breasts squeezed against his bare chest. Hot blood rushed to his Phallus. Now he could move his limbs, and discovered that he could embrace her. He took her into his arms; she was light and yielding, her skin was soft and electric. He proposed to enter her, and she smiled triumphantly and said to him: "I will give you my sex, enough of it to satisfy your every wish and desire. I will come to you, even when you call me in your dreams. Only, there is one thing that you have to do in order to have me."

"What is it? I want to have you, then I must Journey on."

"I want you to abandon your Journey and go back to your hometown. There I want you to use your Gift to found a Secret Temple for the Mothers, and be that Temple's most faithful servant. If you do this, I will exist for your pleasure, for all eternity."

"I don't have a Gift, I fail to understand you when you say 'use your Gift to found a Secret Temple'".

"You are Self-Seeking Somagwaza! You come from a long line of Gifted Fathers; the potential is there, in your Blood."

"If I have a Gift, and if I have this Gift because I am a descendant of Gifted Fathers; why should I use it to found a Secret Temple for the Mothers?"

"If you agree to do this, then I will allow you to enter me now. On top of that, I will bring you seven times seven Virgins to be your servants and playthings. All these pleasures and more will be yours, if you say 'yes' to the Mothers."

"Yes!"

She took his hand and led him to the soft grass on the bank, and there spread out her legs for him. Afterwards, he felt physically weak and inwardly guilty.

Before long he awoke to discover that he was not in the Water where he fell asleep. He remembered his dream and instantly understood why he was where he was. He approached the river with the intention of crossing it and resuming his Wandering. But he soon grew frightened because the nearer he got to the Waters, the more rough and turbulent they became.

Now I see Somagwaza talking to an old man: "Can you see things before they happen?" he asks.

"Sometimes, yes."

"You must have seen this coming then; I fail to understand why you made no attempts to stop it."

"We couldn't, we can't stop her; you're the only one who can."

"You could atleast have warned me about her."

"We had to let you make a Choice."

"So what happens now?"

"Now you have to make another Choice; will you go back to the Womb and live your life a servant of the Mothers, or will you Rise with the Sun and cross the noontide with Him, that you may rest at twilight cleansed by Struggle and full of Repose?"

"But there is too much turbulence, it would be suicide."

"The turbulence is in your mind, not in the Water. You have to learn to control the flow of you thoughts and cool your boiling Blood."

"But how . . . who will teach me?"

"It is night; make a Fire now, and lie down."

5. Existential

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider

by Monde Mdodana

X: Absolute objectivity is a false doctrine. In the quest for knowledge, the knower cannot be separated from the known. What the knower perceives is inescapably conditioned by his subjectivity.

Y: If absolute objectivity was a 'false doctrine', then there would be no science in the world.

X: There would be no science as we know it today. If we could overcome the illusion of objectivity and the 'scientific' tendency to disregard that which cannot be verified by the outward eye, then we'd develop a more wholesome way of knowing. Science would cease to be something that you do, or a state of mind that you adopt, it would be The Way you Exist.

3. Science and Myth

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider

by Monde Mdodana


I stood gazing at the Fire, and meditated on the relationship between Science and Myth; is Myth "primitive" Science, or is science "advanced" Myth?

I'd become nauseated by the dead textbook science of formal education. I dreamt of a dynamic, living Science; a Science that is conscious of its debt to Myth. 

My Epidemic, Your Epidemic

by Deon-Simphiwe Skade

This poem was originally published in New Coin poetry journal. It subsequently appeared in the novella, A Series of Undesirable Events. Layout and text design by Graeme Arendse.

2. The Outsider's Prayer of Submission and Triumph

Reflections on The Way of The Outsider

by Monde Mdodana


Father!
I am falling; I pray I fall into your hands,
now that it is too late to find balance.

Father!
I find myself in Flames; if I must Burn further,
I pray my glow Lights up the
House of my Ancestors!

Above all, I pray you teach me the Secret of
Letting Go.

Camagu

Mandela's Children

by Deon-Simphiwe Skade

A view from a village called Nxasa in Tsolo, Eastern Cape. Photo: © Deon-Simphiwe Skade

  

There are folds in the sky above the village of Mpunkone near Tsolo in the Eastern Cape. The folds are so grey and so tremendous – so sinister! The large wrinkles also appear to be like a blanket in the sky that is drooping so low it may tear in the middle to pour out large rivers of rain. There is going to be a huge downpour! And those boys below that big fruitless tree better run away and hide. Otherwise, they may be soaked by the imminent rain and possibly catch cold or fever. Getting sick may be the last thing they need. For their dreams may be interrupted for a few days; so is their playing in the fields and their learning! This inevitably means that the boys under the tree would not be seen together for a few days. Only the ones who would have taken precaution against the rain would be free to roam about the village and play. But even so, playing and learning would be less fun now that there would be a few of them out there. Children cannot afford to have these kinds of interruptions. They are Mandela’s children and the old man wants to see all of them dream and prosper in good health. That is why that lot below that big fruitless tree need to stay clear of the coming rain, before it starts pouring down. They have South Africa’s dreams to protect – Mandela’s dreams! And just how big those boys’ dreams are is a wonder. I suppose their dreams could be as big as the universe and as infinite as their imaginations allow them. They are children after all; their minds are always hungry for meaning and relevance.... THE COMPLETE STORY CARRIES ON ELSEWHERE...

Don Mattera and the Religion of Compassion

by Monde Mdodana




Monde Mdodana (left) seen with Elder Don Mattera (middle) and Mpumi Cilibe (right) at the Nelson Mandela Bay Book Fair held at The Opera House on 14 March 2013 - Photo by Ras Luyolo Matshoba

Elder Don Mattera says Compassion is The Highest Religion. Elder Don Mattera says life is about "on your marks, get set, ready, but before you go, look behind to see who you can take with you".

Elder Don Mattera says Compassion is The Highest Religion. Elder Don Mattera says "everyone wants to cast a big shadow, but the best shadow to be cast is the shadow of caring and consciousness".

Elder Don Mattera says Compassion is The Highest Religion. Elder Don Mattera says Barack Obama is sending unmaned aircrafts to bomb people in the middle east, but here, in "our beautiful Azania", no one sees the need to do anything about it.